She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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