If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
