there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
