I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
