How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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