Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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