I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
