Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
