the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just invented taco cereal.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
