My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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