and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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