You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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