Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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