i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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