I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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