It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
