My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
