am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
