so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
