1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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