I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
