census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
