I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
