Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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