we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
