i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
