I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
