I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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