I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
