I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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