so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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