I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
