just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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