Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
