It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over