Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk