foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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