1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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