I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.