Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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