I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
