K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
