Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
