did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
