When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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