All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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