Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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