Got a toothbrush?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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