if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
