well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
