Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
