Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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