Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
