She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
