So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
