Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
