I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
