Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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