My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
