wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
