I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
