Where did you get a picture of my penis
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
