Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
