What did we do last night that was yellow?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
