My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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