Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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