Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize