I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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